1. Your three-year-old sees the container of salt in the cupboard and says “Hey! It’s Velma!” And you genuinely agree…Thereafter anytime you open your cupboard you think “Velma!”
2. Your mom gives the kids some Harry and David alphabet gummy candies. Not only are you, the mommy, eating them more than the kids but you look down at your fingers and are startled to see that you are wearing all the “O’s” and “Q’s” around your fingers like rings. Then you eat them off.
3. Speaking of jewelry: One day, you are playing Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead. To make the kids laugh, you put on Mrs. Potatohead’s yellow plastic earrings. You forget they are there. All day.
4. Your toothpaste has glittery sparkles embedded in the electric blue goo and tastes something like Supersparkleberrybubblemint.
5. The “Goofy Goobers” song from the Spongebob movie rocks!!!
6. A restaurant is chosen with these criteria: It must have free crayons, balloons (or a guy that makes balloon animals), a menu with Tic Tac Toe grids pre-printed and ready for futile games, macaroni and cheese on the menu, french fries without any of those yucky spicy sprinkles on them and no sign of skin either, preferably a playground or video game room, plastic cups to take in the car and spill, bendy straws, a vat of ranch dressing in the kitchen to keep up with their demands, a petting zoo with santitizing hand wash station (mostly for Tommy’s benefit), no crazy birthday songs because it freaks small children out to hear groups of grown adults singing zany songs badly for clearly mortified people, and a FREE SUNDAE for kids who clean their plates.
7. When looking through the newspaper’s list of summer movies, only the animated offerings look worth watching.
8. You make the discovery that hooded baby towels make excellent wet-hair wraps for yourself. Consequently, after each shower, you go around the house wearing fuzzy blue teddy bear turbans.
9. Speaking of hair: you are addicted to ponytails. Often, when in need of making a pony tail pronto, you grab the nearest hair scrunchy or elastic holder. It seems like you always forget it is there because more than once you have gone to the grocery store or the doctor’s office wearing hot pink glittery balls with Hello Kitty all over them in your hair. Even more sad? Your daughter says “Um, mommy? I was hoping I could wear my Sleeping Beauty barrettes to school today…?” Sheepishly, you remove them from your hair while saying: “Could I borrow your red and white ladybug elastics?”
10. When looking for a new house, you rank having a fireplace as one of the most important features. How else is Santa supposed to get in the house?
Thanks for the tip with the hooded baby towels! We have many & no babies. I love the “Goofy Goobers” song!!! Good luck on the house hunt!
Great Post! I laughed all the way through.
I’ll never look at the Morton girl the same.
I found your blog through Marla’s. Your “leotard rides up” line was too funny so I had to see if there was more humor where that came from. Sure enought, there was.
Keep it up.
Thanks, Julie. House hunting is hard, yet everytime I want to complain too much I remember that there aren’t many people in the world who have the privilege to hunt for houses to begin with.