Transcript

Day One, 7:30 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hi! This is Gretchen Lifenut, Ryley Lifenut’s mom. He is in Mrs. Goodteacher’s second-grade class. He won’t be at school today due to a fever and a cough. Hopefully he’ll be better tomorrow. Thank you!”

Day Two, 8:05 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hi! This is Gretchen Lifenut. Ryley Lifenut won’t be at school today. He’s in Mrs. Goodteacher’s class. He still has a fever and a cough, plus a headache. I don’t know if he will be there tomorrow, sorry.”

Day Three, 8:24 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hello. Gretchen Lifenut here. Ryley Lifenut from Mrs. Goodteacher’s class won’t be at school today. I’m going to try to get him in to the doctor. Also Sam Lifenut won’t be at school today. He’s in Mrs. Remindsmeofmythirdgradeteacherwhowasreallystrict’s class. He has a tummyache and a cough. I don’t know how many days he’ll be out. Thanks!”

Day Four, 5:30 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hi, it’s me. Ryley, uh, Lifenut won’t be there today. Of course. He has pneumonia according to the doctor he saw yesterday afternoon. He’s on antibiotics. Oh, he’s in Mrs. Goodteacher’s class—theoretically. Sam Lifenut is coughing his head off too. Won’t be there. You don’t want him there. Aidan is also sick. She’s in Miss Ryleyhasasecretcrushonher’s class, fourth grade and she too has this fevery coughy thingy going on. When will they be back? Isn’t that the million dollar question? I’m not feeling so well myself. How are you? Oh yeah, sorry, recording.”

Weekend intermission

Day Five, 8:59 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Sam Lifenut will be there! Yay! This is Gretchen, his mom, by the way. Unfortunately Ryley Lifenut and Aidan Lifenut won’t be joining him. They are still sick. I think I am going to try that Mucinex stuff you see on TV. You know, those commercials where the glob of mucus wearing a tanktop and a combover throws a party for all his mucus globule friends? So gross, but I’ve heard good things about it. One of my fr-” Oops, cutoff by the machine. Redial.

“Me, again. I forgot where I left off? Basically, Aidan and Ryley won’t be there. I hope maybe one or both of them will be there tomorrow. Okay. Thanks. Did I mention this is Gretchen Lifenut?”

Day Six, 6:31 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“No, Joel, I won’t put syrup on your Pop Tart. Oh, hi, it’s Gretchen Lifenut again. Aidan from Miss Ryleyhasasecretcrushonher’s class won’t be there. Still with the cough. Says her feet feel funny, too. I’ll call you tomorrow. Or you can call me, if you want. We should have lunch sometime!”

(originally published here February 1, 2007, but still applies)