The pins and the needles

Five years ago today, hubby’s grandfather died.

Four years ago today our son, Thomas, was born.

Since waking this morning, I have thought about what I was doing four years ago. Laundry. Breathing through contractions. Trying not to get too excited because I am notorious for having long, epic labors with a lot of starting and stopping. I was buckling in for the long ride but not expecting very much out of December 16th.

He was born at 9:54 pm after a day of anticipation, tears, pain, joy.

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We wait. We drum our fingers and check the dial tone on the phone and lie awake. Life is either making news or waiting for news. I waited for my children to be born. Our families waited for the news of their births.

When my Grandma Mary took a turn for the worse a little over two weeks ago, I had to wait to hear how she was doing and what was happening. It didn’t look good. All evening I jumped when the phone rang. I went to bed, but didn’t sleep. I got up in the morning, showered, and called my mother, who told me my grandma died around midnight, which I later learned meant 11:58pm on December 1st.

I look at Tommy, our new four-year-old. He runs around the house with his new balloon from Red Robin. Up and down the stairs with his brothers, banging toys and slamming doors. I hear a pop and wonder if the red, green, or purple balloon met it demise. I wait to hear a cry from one of the boys. The cry will tell me the color because the color tells me the boy. But I hear no crying.

Tommy comes around the corner and says he feels “just a little bit sad.”

I ask why and he says his balloon popped.

I know how you feel, I think.

The balloon was green.

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My dad’s mom, who will be 90 in January, is lying in a hospital bed 20 minutes away at this moment. She had a stroke. Family is travelling to Denver from the corners of our state to see her. My parents went through five tunnels to get here. I am here with my little boys at home. The pins and the needles hurt.

Like I said, life is either making news or waiting for news.

I feel a little bit sad.