By now we’d have a newborn. But we don’t.
Life would look like this:
My mom would be here. I’d camp on the living room recliner, aching from the c-section. I’d be engorged and sore, shaking my head at the ridiculous notion that if it hurts, you aren’t nursing correctly. It hurts, at first. But you deal with it, knowing it doesn’t last forever.
We’d have the plastic mauve hospital tub stocked with a little stack of newborn diapers and alcohol swabs for the cord. The bulb syringe would assault the baby’s button nose, clearing out the last of the amnionic goo. The baby would sneeze.
I’d have to keep readjusting the pink and blue striped hospital hat, which I keep on the baby for a good two weeks after birth. It always slides crooked during nursing. There would a bit of dark brown hair peeking out at the baby’s nape, which I’d inhale at every opportunity.
My husband would do all the swaddling. He’s a master swaddler.
I’d go to bed every night at 8pm, anticipating an 11pm feeding. My husband would stay up with our little night owl.
But it isn’t that way.
Instead, I played outside with Beatrix yesterday. She went down the slide all by herself. I lifted her high into the air without fear of rupturing stitch or staple. I took pictures of her reveling in the sun, being licked by the dog, kicking a ball, chewing on a dirty red toy dinosaur that she found by the fence.
Those are pictures I wouldn’t have now, if we had a newborn. You can argue I’d have different pictures—dozens upon dozens of someone pink with swollen eyes, bundled in my arms. I’d be smiling in those pictures, I am sure.
But I am smiling in the pictures of Beatrix. Can’t see me?
I’m there.
Edited to add: I added this post to Calliope’s day of remembering the “almosts”.
Painful milestones, amazing perspective. ((HUGS))
Jenni’s last blog post..Happy
Great pictures. The ones you posted and the ones you don’t have to show us. I’ve got a shoebox of those lying around here somewhere too.
Anonymouse’s last blog post..food for thought
Oh, Gretchen, you brought me to tears. I’m right there with you. (((HUGS)))
Beautiful post, beautiful girl, beautiful maybe’s and would have been’s and yes, now’s.
susannah’s last blog post..Road Trip!
I love it.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Babywearing Tip Of The Week: Some Spending Money And A Tip About Solarveil!
Sweet post, Gretchen. May God give you comfort even as you direct your gaze to the “now.”
Kelly @ Love Well’s last blog post..Things Like This Should Be Outlawed
Gorgeous photos. Gorgeous little girl. Gorgeous post.
I love the way you think Gretchen and I’m so thankful that you share it with us.
Heth’s last blog post..Golden
Beautiful. Makes my heart hurt.
Beatrix is stunning. But you know that.
Thanks for sharing. It can’t be easy. But your little girl is lovely.
me too gretchen.
i found out i had lost our baby a year ago this week.
chickadee’s last blog post..The Way We Were
Beautiful post.
sandra’s last blog post..Micah’s Bright Light
I’m happy for the enjoyment of Beatrix, but so sorry for the pain that no doubt comes even in those times of enjoyment.
Sharing your pain no doubt helps others heal…
Heidi’s last blog post..Flat Stanley MIA
As we would say in the social work world – good reframe. I am sure it is hard, but I am glad you can see the positive side!!
So glad you are smiling. I can’t believe Beatrix is so big. Such a little girl already.
Beautiful post.
I good friend of mine just had to deliver her 21 week old baby girl yesterday. I just cried and cried for her…and now for you too. My heart goes out to you. I’m thinking of you.
Melany’s last blog post..School rugby
Thank you for sharing this.
You so eloquently expressed what so many women and myself feel.
I’ve been thinking of you these past few days…
nutmeg’s last blog post..The Man is Good!
Lovely pictures of a moment that Beatrix won’t remember but you will for a hundred different reasons. Beautiful post.
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