Answer the following as honestly as possible. Choose A or B as you think about life before he went missing.
1. When backing out of your driveway in recent weeks or months, you’d notice your Gnome…
a. Silent and still, but you knew he was thinking, “Goodbye, Friends!”
b. Stubbornly avoiding eye contact
2. Have there been any surprise financial shortfalls lately?
a. No, everything appears to be in order
b. Yes, my purse/wallet has been missing a few small bills
3. Look at your phone bill. Are there calls you cannot account for?
a. You, or someone authorized by you, made every call
b. There are several mysterious calls to a number in Kruunupyy, Finland
4. Your Gnome’s social circle
a. Was limited to the small and cheerful ceramic rabbit that lives near the rock roses
b. Has grown recently to include a battered pink flamingo and a cheeky looking hummingbird pinwheel, neither you recognize
5. Describe your laptop
a. Accounted for at all times and relatively clean—are those Cheeto crumbs?
b. Turned up in odd places and had mud and grass caked between the keys
6. Your Gnome’s grooming practices
a. Remained consistent—sprinkler showers were enough to keep his beard smooth, white, and long and his face clean
b. You found a teeny sample-sized can of AXE Dark Temptation in a nearby flower barrel
7. Hopes and dreams: Did he have any?
a. Other than bringing a friendly sparkle to the garden, living amongst the asters, mums, and peonies? No.
b. Sometimes, late at night, you’d hear a small, thickly-accented voice singing Kelly Clarkson’s hit song “Breakaway”
8. Did you find a note where he used to stand?
a. No
b. Yes
9. If you answered Yes to #8, what did it say or depict?
a. It turned out to be a sun-bleached ad for gutter cleaning with 1950s clip art of a handy man holding a wrench in one hand and a martini in the other
b. It had song lyrics, hearts (some broken), and amateurish poetry about how pointy red hats cannot hide pointy pain
10. Your nosy neighbor came over to ask
a. How much you paid for your new patio furniture
b. Why a cab came to your house at 2am last night
If you answered mostly As and your Gnome is missing, he has most likely been stolen and you will never see him again. Try not to imagine drunken teenagers loading him with fireworks.
If you answered mostly Bs and your Gnome is missing, he left on his own volition. Travelocity commercials will break your heart for the rest of your life. Is it HIM? You’ll never know.
P.S. I answered mostly As.
Noooo, say it isn’t so.
I hope you have at least one photo to remember him by.
Heth’s last blog post..I Surprised Her Real Good
Way too cute! I hope you find him!
Ann’s last blog post..Best Weekend Ever
I’m guessing your hubby put him in time out because he was threatening to spill the beans to you about who won the election. How long did you last?
Jeana’s last blog post..A Clever Title
What’s an insanely creative girl like you doing in a blogosphere like this?
You deserve world-wide fame, my friend. Too freakin funny.
Jenni’s last blog post..Letters From Earthcamp
Oh my gosh, you’re so funny!
It makes me think about the garden girl-with-book we used to have. Maybe she and the gnome ran off TOGETHER? (gasp!)
By the way, I’m offended that you closed the comments on your last post. Did you think one of us would intentionally spill the beans? (muah ha ha ha)
stacey @ tree, root, and twig’s last blog post..Taking the Days as They Come
Gretchen, this made my morning. Hil. Ari. Ous.
Minnesotamom’s last blog post..He does real good
Too too funny…
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Cap-puccino
Our Gnome is gone as well. I think it was B in our case. Mostly because he got tired of the dog peeing on him. Poor guy.
Bonnie’s last blog post..Did You?
Sometimes, late at night, you’d hear a small, thickly-accented voice singing Kelly Clarkson’s hit song “Breakawayâ€
Hee. That’s awesome.
We thought our gnome was missing, but it turned out that one of the kids just stuck it WAY up in a tree. Okely dokely, then.
Beck’s last blog post..Doctor, Sometimes I Cry For No Good Reason
Oh dear, how are the kids taking the news? Hope his disappearance doesn’t leave behind any broken hearts.
Look in your neighbor’s yards….It seems that there is a new “fad” going on where teenagers are switching lawn ornaments around. Not that my teenage son has done this. Not that I found a stash of gnomes in his closet….Just say’n
On behalf of all mothers of gnome theives everywhere…I’m so sorry!