Oaths

I find I succeed when I announce what I will not do in a coming year. Here are my 100 Irresolutions:

I WILL NOT

1. be entranced by alpaca farm commercials.
2. lose 50 or more pounds.
3. travel to Michigan for any reason.
4. meet Alton Brown.
5. switch to Charmin.
6. wear a hairnet.
7. eat mussels.
8. knit cozies for small appliances.
9. take up kick boxing.
10. write here daily.
11. buy drinks for everyone in a bar.
12. get married.
13. use a pressure cooker.
14. short sheet the bed as a joke.
15. eat hot dogs purchased at the zoo.
16. place a long-distance call to the Eastern Hemisphere.
17. call the insurance company whilst angry.
18. drink red Koolaid.
19. read anything by J.K. Rowling
20. attend a Lenny Kravitz concert
21. become addicted to quarter-pump toffee nut, quarter-pump hazelnut, half-pump vanilla, half-caf organic soy triple shot venti 140 degree lattes WITH foam.
22. complain about the writer’s strike.
23. watch the Academy Awards.
24. learn the choreography for “Thriller”.
25. take a bus down the entire length of Colfax Avenue.
26. eat at the Taco John’s in Longmont, Colorado.
27. cook SOS for dinner.
28. write about the time I went to a nudist camp in college.
29. dye my hair red.
30. get my Christmas tree without sniffing it for animal pee first.
31. shop at Steve and Barry’s for pants.
32. find myself eating blueberry pie in a retirement RV park on Highway 285.
33. feel a little jealous when people announce pregnancies.
34. get strep throat.
35. paint my fingernails blue.
36. tell anyone I hate them.
37. attempt to find happiness in a can of Ranch Pringles.
38. doubt the love Brad Pitt has for Angelina Jolie.
39. switch to three squares, as recommended for the environment.
40. do the Icky Shuffle.
41. shake hands with Putin.
42. find myself jumping on to Phil’s little mat and waiting breathlessly for him to tell me, “You’re Team #1!”
43. eat buffalo cheese.
44. spend the 4th of July in Boulder.
45. start wearing a watch.
46. complain about packing lunches.
47. bug my husband to paint our walls wacky colors.
48. turn my electric blanket past “2” on the little dial, no matter how chilly our room may be when I go to bed.
49. defend Lynn Spears.
50. suddenly begin understanding Linux.
51. keep those same three pictures above our bed—redecorate, already!
52. drink a whiskey drink, drink a vodka drink, drink a lager drink, drink a cider drink—at least not all at once.
53. get blogging inspiration from songs on my iTunes list.
54. admit I have Tubthumping on my iPod. And I like it.
55. watch “Xanadu” curled up on the couch with my husband.
56. have tea with Camilla Parker Bowles.
57. get a hole in one.
58. start smoking again.
59. vote for someone just because they claim to have a certain faith.
60. vote against someone based solely on their faith.
61. gripe about an extra day in February.
62. bowl a 300.
63. bowl a 200.
64. take all the hot water.
65. order fish and chips all the time.
66. neglect the waffle iron.
61. wear heels to the museum.
62. keep the baby teeth.
63. take the scale out of the bathroom cupboard.
64. google various symptoms.
65. pay full price for any item of clothing.
66. consume black licorice.
67. get another dog.
68. go back on a promise I made in early 2006 that we’d go to Chuck E. Cheese in 2008.
69. neglect those two bushes in the backyard.
70. take the stairs three at a time.
71. always order ranch dressing on every salad.
72. pout.
73. covet items in the Anthropologie and Chasing Fireflies catalogs.
74. blame the dog.
75. forget to order guacamole on the side.
76. make fun of the sci-fi shows my husband likes to watch.
77. continue hanging on to every art project/masterpiece of art my children create.
78. plan garage sales for “next weekend”.
79. hide Oreo Cakesters on the shelf above the dryer.
80. roll my eyes so much.
81. expect my husband to read my mind.
82. serve spaghetti more than three times a month.
83. let the dry cleaning pile up for too long.
84. blather on and on about my new Mac.
85. convince my husband to buy a Mini Sport, pepper white, with a black roof.
86. hitchhike.
87. freak out just because my eldest will start middle school in 2008…
88. let the sledding hills tempt me.
89. promise my kids we’ll do something, then not follow through.
90. eat foods on a dare.
91. be so hard on myself.
92. take others for granted.
93. pass by the Chia Pet display without a thought—I might buy one!
94. resist the urge to just say it: Swiffer Wet Jet Pads look like maxi pads for horses. They even have Dry Weave.
95. fish without a license.
96. buy iffy shoes just because they are 90% off and I may wear them somewhere, sometime.
97. reveal the secret location of the good pen.
98. define myself or others by the most frequented discount store.
99. use the word “flipping” so, um, much.
100. complain about aging.