Santa,
You have tons of resources at your disposal, a massive workshop staffed by clever elves, and a twinkle in your eye that tells me you will see the genius in my list. Please try to respect my wishes and put these items under the tree, for me.
1. A diet cola that tastes like fountain Coca-Cola Classic, but contains no aspertame or Splenda. This means no calories and a specially formulated caffeine that gives me energy but that does not keep me awake at 3am.
2. The Maytag Neptune washer and dryer, with the drying closet. I saw it on Oprah’s Favorite Things show and I almost burst into tears. It is beautiful. If you could shrink it down, I would wear it on my finger like a ring. It is that fabulous.
3. A wisecracking robot maid that calls me “Mrs. W” and has an amusing crush on our Neptune Dryer.
4. Windsor Pilates DVDs and the motivation to get beyond the startup menu and follow along.
5. Lessons: cooking, sewing, knitting, pottery, archery, fencing, tap dancing, deck-building, hair-cutting, race-car-driving, Italian, and floral arrangement.
6. XM Satellite radio.
7. A new duvet for our down comforter. It must be an amazing shade of red–the color of cooked beets, but slightly darker. But not too pink, deeper than magenta, lighter than bordeaux—think beets + red wine + blood + fire engines. It must be more bluish than orangey. The color of a stop sign, plus a dash of indigo, minus the violet. Look down. See your suit? Not that color. It has to be soft but durable, trendy but classic. Good luck.
8. “Autumn Leaves” by Sir John Everett Millais, painted in 1856. It is currently hanging in the Manchester (England) City Art Gallery, but it would look lovely over our piano.
9. A mewling frisky kitten with a big red bow (an amazing shade of red–the color of cooked beets, but slightly darker. But not too pink, deeper than magenta, lighter than bordeaux—think beets + red wine + blood + fire engines. It must be more bluish than orangey. The color of a stop sign, plus a dash of indigo, minus the violet) The kitten cannot produce allergens–Sammy and I want to survive the kitten.
10. A sense of humor when none of these things appear under our tree.
Thanks again, Santa.
I thought I might get some ideas from your list but if Santa is going to have a hard time even Oprah would too. Maybe Martha could contemplate your duvet cover color while she is doing easy time.
Hrmm. . .when did we start lusting after household appliances? I currently see visions of central vacuum when I survey the crushed goldfish crackers that seem to permanently reside in my rug.
Laughs all around, as always!
You’ve always had a thing for beet juice. Maybe just take a white duvet cover, give bowls of beet juice to your kids and revel in the results? Although I feel like a 50s house wife when I say this, I second your enthusiasm for the drying closet, although I would not care to wear one, no matter how dainty. When I see people wearing cotton sweaters, particularly in this humid climate, I wonder where they were dried after their last washing. Finally, I’d like to see an entry or two devoted to Oprah. Attempt to explain her uncanny appeal in less than 500 words. Go.