Mother of Invention

I have a list of things I wish someone would invent:

1. Lysol Bombs, shaped like grenades. Pull the pin, drop in your home’s hallway, and run to a resort for a few days. Return to a bacterial blank-slate. Immediately repopulate home with germs from the indoor pool and that Waldorf salad you had for dinner 24 hours earlier. Luckily, Lysol Bombs come in a convenient 2-pack. Look for the coupon in this Sunday’s paper.

2. Potpourri I can sprinkle down Joel’s arm cast. Hell hath no stench like a toddler boy’s big green fiberglass and plaster cast.

3. Crayons fortified with vitamins, calcium, and iron. If the kids want to eat crayons, it would be nice to get more out of the experience than technicolored poos. Same with Playdoh.

4. Venus Fly-Bed. When the kids jump on the bed, it snaps shut. That will be the last time they jump on any bed. I guarantee it. No more singing “Three Little Monkeys” until you are hoarse as deterrent-of-choice! The lyrics would change to “three little monkeys jumping on the…BUUUURRRPP” The bed wouldn’t actually digest anyone. Of course.

5. An inspiring superhero named Captain Wipe-Your-Own-Bottom-You’re-Old-Enough. And his sidekick, Mr. Handwash-Pronto (he’s British). He has a dog, named Andusesoap.

6. A food processor that forms every food into the shape, color, taste, and texture of a McDonald’s Chicken McNugget while maintaining the integrity of the original food’s nutritious value.

7. Time machine.

8. Walk-in washing machine and sauna-sized dryer. Maybe the fine folks behind the Hummer can develop my new washer and dryer combo. The cool thing about it is that you can wash your car in it too. Don’t forget to roll up the windows. Those scratches? They were already there, I swear.

9. Could someone invent the inventor to invent these things?