More Mommy Epiphanies

1. One day, when Aidan was a small toddler, I was wiggling her fat pink toes and reciting “this little piggy goes to market, this little piggy stayed home…” As I listened to her squeal with delight I was suddenly overcome with horror. Since my childhood, when my mom would wiggle my pink toes and say the lines, I always pictured a pig going to the grocery store. The pig, in my imagination, was pushing a cart full of grape soda, potato chips, and ice cream sandwiches. At that moment, as a grown-up mommy, I suddenly realized that the piggy wasn’t going to the market. The piggy was going to market. Meaning the piggy that got to stay at home kept his snout for one more day. The first, biggest piggy? He tasted great on my BLT.

2. Bologna isn’t very good. I grew up eating bologna and American cheese sandwiches. I have never given my kids bologna. It is like eating a thin slice of a 100 pound and 6 feet long raw hot dog.

3. If you are pregnant, sometimes (quite suddenly) you will remember the baby will want out eventually.

4. Never let your kids chew blue gumballs. If that means feeding 38 pennies into the gumball machine to get any other color, do it.

5. I know which is worse to step on in the middle of the night: Lego, or a wooden puzzle piece with a tiny plastic knob in the middle.

6. Sometimes, it’s better to throw the sippy cup away than clean it. This especially applies if the errant sippy cup is found in the car, in July, and it’s been more than a day. Most importantly? It has “milk” in it.

7. Always think twice before using your toothbrush. Is it in the exact, to-the-milimeter spot where you left it? Are the bristles facing the same direction, indicating it hasn’t been touched? Check the bristles for moisture before you run it under the faucet. Examine the toothbrush for strands of Barbie hair and dirt.

8. Never buy Dora the Explorer, Snoopy, Blues Clues, Spongebob, or Hello Kitty Bandaids. Suddenly the boo-boo count will skyrocket. Most of the injuries will be baffling and near-invisible. See the red dot on my knee mommy? I was walking in the backyard and a fly bumped into me! It hurts! Owwwwwwwww. I need a bandaid! Scooby Doo!

9. It isn’t worth trying to explain what chicken is made out of. What is chicken made out of? asks small child. It’s just chicken, you say. No, what is in it?, child presses. Chicken is a chicken, you reply. But what stuff is in chicken? sighs the child. Protein, amino acids, minerals, water, and fat, you say, hoping the complexity satifies the child. Does chicken have flour? the child keeps it up. No, cookies have flour, you cringe as you say this. You know what’s coming next: Mommy, can I have a cookie?

10. It’s okay (and preferred) to close the bathroom door when another adult is in the house.