Today was my due date for the baby I lost in February.
Instead, I spent my weekend at a mountain cabin preparing for my role as Discussion Group Leader at MOPS. It’s a job I would have never taken, had I been expecting a new little one.
I am not much of a nature girl. In fact, I sat around the campfire on Friday night wearing my ubiquitous pink sequined flip-flops. But it was wonderful to get away from the city to a place where the Milky Way is more than a stale candy bar at the corner convenience store. The stars looked like the top of God’s star shaker had popped off mid-sprinkle. The smell of pine, the snap of its sap, the campfire’s ebb and flow of energy smoking toward the beautiful…all pointed heavenward and made me look up, up, and up.
The nearby teepee pointed up. The crescent moon, discovered in a wreath of overhead aspens on my morning walk, craned my neck up. The birds, the squirrels busy, the wind busy. Look up, my dear, look up.
So I did. I walked on a trail in my flip-flops. It was Saturday morning. I noticed our campfire wasn’t completely extinguished, so I grabbed my iPod and my Bible out of the cabin and sat near the fire to catch the last of the smoke, knowing my time in the mountains was nearing its end.
“Quiet You With My Love” by Rebecca St. James whispered in my ear. I opened my Bible and played a little roulette. What was I looking for? I fingered the smooth pages in the front of the book and turned them one by one. I came to the pages where births, marriages, and deaths are entered. I read my handwriting. I recorded our marriage time and place. The births of our five babies. But nothing on the losses. I hadn’t included them, not purposely. 
I wrote their names and the dates of my procedures, when I felt they were taken from me with finality. There. I closed it.
It wasn’t until this morning, as I opened my eyes and knew the day had arrived, that I realized I wrote their names on the “Births” page. Not the “Deaths” page. I will keep it that way, though. It’s the way it was supposed to be, according to me.
But instead.
I know that you will get through today, by taking care of your kids, your husband, your dog, your refrigerator and whatever else might present itself today. But on the other hand, I don’t know how you will get through the day, because with each action you will surely be thinking about how today might have been so much different. I’m thinking of you.
Gretchen, you have such a beautiful way of putting even your pain into words. I know you always carry with you the sting of this loss, but I also know that in some ways it must feel remarkably fresh today.
May God bless you and keep you, may He make His face to shine upon you and give you peace.
I wish things were different…I wish there was something I could say to make a difference. Keep looking up.
I’m praying that you will feel God’s arms wrapped around you today Gretchen.
Thank you for sharing this. I hadn’t thought that women who miscarry may emotionally live out the pregnancy, at some level. It is sad.
Julana, it is true. I never realized it until it happened to me. When you hear the due date for the first time it gets a big red circle, either on your kitchen calendar or the calendar of your mind. It isn’t erased when the baby is lost.
I could see today coming from miles away. It is odd to think how today would feel had everything worked out according to my will. It didn’t. There is no use dwelling on it…but I am. I don’t every day, in fact I am doing really well. Tomorrow will be better.
My heart goes out to you.
Hello Gretchen.
I dont have the words, but I AM sorry and I will be praying for you and your family today as you all grieve in your different ways.
love Vanessa
I don’t know how I missed this post earlier. I just wanted to say that my heart breaks for you. May God comfort you.
Another comment … I don’t know if you did this intentionally or not, but I noticed you filed this post under “Life” and not under “Loss”. Your babies are alive, Mopsy. (((HUGS)))
You already know how I feel about it. This was a beautiful entry. I think the births page was right and true. They were born into your heart, and hopefully more.