Elasti-Mom

Since seeing “The Incredibles” this past Saturday, superheroes have been on my mind. The mother character in particular, Mrs. Incredible.

Before she got married and was forced into retirement by frivolous lawsuits, she was Elasti-Girl. Her powers allowed her to stretch to amazing lengths, to twist, turn, and morph shapes. These skills came in handy with parenting. She was able to break up fights by holding her kids 20 feet apart.

I could use superpowers, I thought to myself. But then as I thought about it more, I realized I have superpowers!

Like many moms, I have eyes on the back of my head. That is how I know who spilled their hot chocolate on the couch, and who pinched whom first in the back row of the minivan while we are cruising down the interstate, again.

I possess “smello-vision”. This honing device leads me to the missing sippy cup full of curdled milk tucked inside the folded stroller. The vision element comes in when I can deduce that the cup should be left in the mall parking lot because the sight of the milk inside would make me lose my Cinnabon. Which would be unfortunate. Smello-vision comes in handy when it is time to change a diaper and I can anticipate (before the child is ever placed on the changing table) whether it is a “one wipe”, “five wipe” or “entire box” sort of job.

This leads me to: Iron Stomach : Much like Superman’s Kryptonite, my downfall is curdled milk in sippy cups. Shhhh, don’t tell my archenemies. Otherwise, my Iron Stomach enables me to deal with the various liquids and solids that flow from children so freely and at moments that are never convenient.

I can see through walls: I can sit on the living room couch, reading to one child. Suddenly a “whoop whoop whoop” sensor goes off in my brain. A child is in the next room, separated by a solid wall. She is climbing onto the kitchen counter and opening the cupboard where cookies have been known to lurk!! “Get off the counter!” I say. About 15 seconds later, the climber, ahem, appears in the living room, looking pained and confused, no doubt wondering how did she know….? I just do, child. I just do.

Stoic-face: Sometimes, children can say some pretty funny things in all seriousness. The wise mom knows when to laugh and when to keep a straight face. I learned how to use Stoic-face the hard way. Ryley admitted a crush on a certain cartoon character girl on Cartoon Network. When my face looked amused about it, he ran screaming from the room, up the stairs, and into his bedroom, slamming his door for emphasis. I learned I should have laughed so hard it hurt, but only on the inside. On the outside, I pretend that it would be a joyous turn of events to have a cartoon character for a daughter-in-law someday.

Eyes on the bottom of my feet: They tell me that there is a Lego, nubby side pointed up, immediately under my foot as I walk through the dark 3am house. Too bad the eyes on the bottom of my feet need to be poked a little first in order to see and help out. They really aren’t much of a help, now that I think about it. Not really a “superpower”, more of a “mediocrepower”

Heart of Steel, Gold, and Glass: Somehow, all rolled into one. It beats for my kids, it gets broken right along with their hearts when they are hurt. It gets strengthened by them–their smiles, their hugs, their love. It is steel-strong when they need it to be, or cotton-soft when they need a place to land.