Want the free gift wrap? It only costs six dollars Looks like an eyesore.

Santa is scary Beard like albino ferret, Food court taco breath.

Parking lot stalker Do you think my space is close? I assure you, it’s not.

Parking lot stalker You idle hopelessly long– Five kids to strap in.

[…]

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, one of my close family members and their spouse announced that twins are on the way! Early next summer we will be welcoming the newest additions with open arms.

Because the parents-to-be are doing the pregnancy and baby thing for the first time, I am compelled to dole out unsolicited advice […]