To everyone who shared their hugs and prayers, who let me know they cared or they’ve been here, thank you.
I appreciate each comment and email.
I am doing okay.
Several people have commented or emailed me regarding anger and how I deal.
Anger takes energy, and energy is something I don’t have any more. I’m too busy with life’s big and small decisions, like which chips to put in the kids’ lunches and what load of laundry is Priority #1. I’m not saying this flippantly, either. I also think certain people find energy by being angry—it exhilarates. It is raw and primitive emotion and it can feel good sometimes to be pissed off. I submit that’s why there are so many angry people walking around. There must be a charge they are getting, or a payoff.
When anger likes what it sees in the mirror, it becomes bitterness.
Anger also needs a target. I look around and don’t see anyone with red circles painted on their foreheads. I could get angry at God, again. I’ve been furious with God—absolutely shaking with spite and indignation at what he allowed. Not what he did. Allowed. There is a huge difference. But those conversations took place after my first pregnancy loss, before I had the experience of smiling again or finding joy in something small.
Once I saw that I could survive, the other pregnancy losses were easier to bear. I know that’s practically blasphemous in miscarriage and pregnancy loss circles. I didn’t say they were a joy or a picnic. After my first loss, I doubted that I’d be able to taste the sweet side of life ever again. But then I did. Joy and hope returned.
So these subsequent losses have been painful and confusing, but not brutal or absolutely crushing. At this point, with four losses in the rearview mirror, I find myself not really angry any more. Sad, confused, fearful of the future at times—but not with a perma-fist shaking at the sky.
I am far from the picture of serenity and peace—but I would be without these losses in my history, wouldn’t I? People who cruise through life without tragedy or heartache find a way to complain, don’t they? I was the same way. Blessings all around, but still found things to bitch about. Now that I actually have something to be truly angry for, I find it’s not there.
It just isn’t.
I’m not entirely sure this is good.
There’s someone in my family who is angry all the time, and they are perpetually exhausted by it. I knew after my miscarriage that I couldn’t carry around that kind of anger. I’ve found after two years now I don’t even carry around any sadness about it. As you said, the new joys helped me smile again.
Here’s to a future of joys, however they come to us.
Stephanie’s last blog post..Week 202: You Picked a Fine Time to Read to Me, Lucille (Clifton)
There is so much wisdom in your words. Wisdom that can only come by living through some hard stuff.
I’ve been thinking of you often. And always with a prayer.
Heth’s last blog post..Signs Of Spring
Wow! Amazing, so many would be mad, or crushed… I think you sound like you are right where God wants you, in his arms. It wouldn’t be normal not to fear the future after loss either.
I am continuing to pray for you.
Happy Mommy’s last blog post..I Won!!!!
Thank you much for sharing.
(Beatrix is just beautiful in that post above!)
Beautifully put. I found you through Heth, and your writing and perspective is amazing.
Blessings
Sarah’s last blog post..Resisting
I love your attitude.
Kelly @ Love Well’s last blog post..Laughter
No words, only prayers and more hugs.
Jenni’s last blog post..Me and My Bump
Good thoughts, Gretchen. As always, I admire and aspire to your openness.
Megan@SortaCrunchy’s last blog post..Notes
I think you are right. Anger is draining, exhausting, and ultimately, not usually productive. Sometimes it is good, but it doesn’t last and the following emotion is usually depression. I think you are at a good, wise place–I would dispute your last statement.
Great post, again.
edj’s last blog post..On the Train