Dear Presidential Candidate,
I’d like to extend an invitation to dine at my home, with my family, at your earliest convenience.
I am an unaffiliated, undecided voter. I am generally suspicious of anyone who wants to be President. It is unforgiving, thankless, aging, stressful, dangerous, and I honestly believe you have to be all sorts of crazy to want this job.
Why come to dinner at the home of someone who thinks you are nuttier than the pecan pie we’ll have for dessert? (if Costco has them in stock)
Because I will learn so much about you. With six kids, a frantic dog, and an important fish, you will be challenged when you cross our threshold. You’ll enjoy toy demonstrations, scar stories, a child-led grand tour, and some sort of roast with veggies and biscuits—or, with enough notice, I might drag the crockpot out and make some rocking chili. Your security detail can do a sweep of our home for hazards, but I can save them some time by letting you know to avoid the kids’ bathroom.
Otherwise, you’ll have time to relax in shabby-chic splendor. When I say “shabby-chic” I don’t mean we have a $10,000 dining room table that looks like it was painted by a drunken tornado or curtains made out of an 1880s western brothel’s bedsheets. We have some chic stuff, but most of it is shabby—lived in, loved, comfy, replete with Cheetoh-finger prints.
We are middle-class and we believe in strength tempered by mercy. Strong education, health care, national security, a realistic energy policy, and a brave economic outlook rolled together and sealed with a tender but smoochy kiss would make us giddy. We recognize sincerity, are annoyed by theatrics and posturing. We want someone who will stand up to bullies but won’t be a bully. I’d love to find a candidate who will inspire oil prices to fall so I can stop talking to myself as I pump gas.
Ultimately, we want someone who can and will restore respect to the office—to make it a position moms and dads would be proud to see their children reaching to attain. Personally, I’d be horrified to be the mother of the President as it stands now. Change that for me. If I think you can, you’ve got my vote.
A few details as you plan your campaigning schedule: we live in a suburb of Denver, conveniently located near Rocky Mountain Metropolitan Airport, “minutes to the city, the mountains, and an average of 300 days of sunshine per year…what are you waiting for?” says their marketing team. They can accommodate big jets, and you can purchase carbon offsets in nearby Boulder. I hear they sell them on street corners.
So, what are you waiting for? Come to my house for friendly din-din and a little scrutiny. We allow feet up on the coffee table and if you come on a Friday or Saturday night, we’ll play Wii. And we won’t erase your Mii after you leave.
Thanks for considering our dinner invitation.
Of voting age,
Gretchen
*serious Presidential candidates defined as someone who has participated in a nationally televised debate, not some drive-time DJ “running for President” on the platform of colder beer for everyone.
“looks like it was painted by a drunken tornado” hee hee! Love it.
Why yes, I don’t see any reason why any number of them shouldn’t stop by for dinner at your place. You do have Wii after all.
I bet Ron Paul might take you up on the invitation. He’s kind of unpredictable like that. Not that I am for Ron Paul or anything. I’m just sayin’.
Megan@SortaCrunchy’s last blog post..See? I’m not the only one . . .
From what you described, your candidate IS Ron Paul. I’ve posted a couple of blurbs on him this week on my blog, so feel free to stop by and read. Otherwise, his site is http://www.ronpaul2008.com/
He is a man with integrity and a lot of fiscal smarts. He aspires to help our country dig itself out of the black hole of debt we’ve gotten into (thank you, last several presidents…). Seriously, check him out.
Heidi’s last blog post..Hey you! You owe me money!
Well, at least he’s your candidate for the “strong economic outlook” part if you don’t want a bunch of bold-faced lies. If you want more government $ for your health care, education, national security and energy policy, then you’re just the sort of person who keeps driving us further into debt. But if you’re not, then Ron’s your man. Sincere to the core, and his voting record in Congress (he’s a Rep. for Texax) ACTUALLY backs up what he believes. Now THAT’s a politician I’ve never seen the likes of before…
Heidi’s last blog post..Hey you! You owe me money!
BRAVO!
This made me laugh on so many levels, I don’t know where to start.
Great writing. Well done!
Kelly @ Love Well’s last blog post..She’s Here
Ahh! Classic Lifenut. And why I love ya so much.
Perfect. I love this post.
Heth’s last blog post..Colds
I love it. Do let us know if anyone takes you up on it. It would be GREAT.
Goslyn’s last blog post..Tale of the Ducks
Check out http://www.mikehuckabee.com. He used to pastor my grandma’s church. He’s who I will be voting for.
I don’t recall seeing so many candidates before, and yet seemingly so little choices. I’m coming to your house if one of them shows up!
Joanne’s last blog post..Make A Wish
From the description of “shabby-chic” and cheetoh prints, to the dreams of every middle class mother for the father of her nation I have to say…
AMEN SISTAH!
I’m so glad I found your blog from Mile High Mamma’s.
ice cream’s last blog post..The Place Where Friends Are Made
I know you weren’t REALLY looking for candidate advice and I hate to be a pyscho, but after voting in several elections for the “lesser of 2 evils” I have for the first time ever found a candidate I am passionate about. I think your description fits him. So I second the Mike Huckabee recommendation. Plus with the last name Huckabee, you just know he loves shabby chic.
Jill’s last blog post..Music Monday- Kiki Sheard
Lol, nicely written. I hope one of them takes you up on it.
Any’s last blog post..2 Years, 2 Months
You know, I think it’s a Catch-22. Anyone who wants to be president probably should not be president, unless he or she is interested in drastic change; and chances are anyone who is interested in drastic change is not up to the devious politic climate that he or she would have to navigate to effect that change. Can a truly good person be president anymore? I don’t particularly like any of the candidates: I just can’t. The very fact that they are candidates puts me off ’em. But I can tell you whom I’m least likely to vote for!
Pecan pie sounds so yummy. I’m not allowed.
Inkling’s last blog post..Another Photoshoot
What is the significance of 1/8/94?
What are you charging per plate for this political dinner? I would just LOVE to attend! I’ll have the chicken. . .
AMEN, sista!
jen’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen: Concert hall etiquette the musicians on stage wished you knew
What a great invitation. Problem is most of them probably wouldn’t take you up on it because they are not “real” enough – you know, not like us regular people. I do love your attempt though…
Elaine’s last blog post..Little G Talks (Ok, not really…)