I rented a doppler from Baby Beat on Monday.
Rather than wait for it to be shipped to me, I opted to pick it up in person. Their headquarters are only about 15 minutes away.
I loaded the kids in the car.
“Where are we going?” they asked, again and again as I negotiated the very convoluted route I plotted in my head, thinking it would be fast.
I told them I was picking up something. And I didn’t want to talk about it. End of discussion.
You’d think I was on my way to pick up a load of black market cigarettes to sell out of a battered camper in a dog track parking lot.
The doppler was waiting for me by the front door, housed in a plain white box. A white bag with the bottle of ultrasound gel sat on top. I put it on the floor in front of the passenger seat and tried not to look at it at every stop light or every time I had to make a right turn.
I felt like a fraud for having it.
Yes, my pregnancy is confirmed by a medical professional. Yes, I’ve seen a beating heart thumping away. But that was a few weeks ago and history has taught me that a beating heart on one day doesn’t mean it will be beating the next day. Been there, done that, and not only do I have the t-shirt, I have the ball cap AND the commemorative shot glass.
After Costco, I drove home. I left the doppler in the car for several hours. It was only concern that it would melt that made me bring it inside. It sat on the printer for awhile. My heart trembled each time I caught a glimpse of the white box. Finally, I decided it was time to try.
I laid down, squirted some goo on my lower tummy, and began to search.
Nothing.
Just my thundering, outrageously fast heartbeat, my former breakfast, and the whooshing sound of a lonely wind.
I told myself it was still early. I am on the borderline of doppler capabilities. Surprisingly, I felt no panic. So unlike you, I thought to myself. I put the doppler back in the box and slid it under my bed. I’d try again next week.
But this morning, I heard it calling to me from under the mattress. I had to try again. Calmly, I prepared my tummy and switched the little machine on. I heard the same noises and thuds. I heard my heart, which was much calmer. And then, right before I was going to give up, I placed the hand held unit on my chest and pressed the microphone down a little harder, with both hands.
And there it was.
And there it was. Elegant as always, my friend. I can’t imagine the cacophony you would have heard during the events of your last post!
Starr’s last blog post..The Machine is Us/ing Us
that’s wonderful! and i know just how you feel, the uncertainty, the doubt, the fear.
chickadee’s last blog post..The nonfunctional school room (with pictures)
Don’t think I’ve said congrats yet….I know just how you feel. I too live not far from the Baby Beat office and have hid a doppler in a shoe box in my closet, just waiting for the right moment to take a listen. Quietly waiting to get the courage to open up the package to see if I could listen to the little treasure growing inside. I remember holding my breath for so long when I finally heard the little sound…I didn’t want it to go away. Soon my kids figured out what I was doing laying on my closet floor and hearing the swooshing sound was a relief for all of us. Praying for a sweet report each time and tender moments each time you sneak away to listen to your little one’s thumping heart. Peace to you. Can’t wait to hear more about the journey.
Laura H’s last blog post..Mima- No matter how long…its still to short!
Of course it was.
I know I’d make myself crazy with one of those things. I’m glad you were able to keep calm and let it go for a bit. I mean, if even the docs have trouble sometimes, of course we would.
Beth – total mom haircut’s last blog post..The daily stroll
AWESOME! 🙂
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Oh, tears…
Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Validation
Yea!!!!!!!
Melanie’s last blog post..Chocolate Peanut Butter Trifle
Hooray! I pray that you will be able to use it again and again and get the emotion it was supposed to bring–joy.
Heidi’s last blog post..Mo? Meme
I would drive my husband nuts with that thing. 🙂 Congrats again.
Karen {simply a musing blog}’s last blog post..Time to Dress the Kids up Like Cows again…
Such happy news!
Megan’s last blog post..Hello, Nanny State
I was able to borrow a doppler from the local grief support organization (www.briefencounters.org)when I was pregnant after our loss. It helped alot. But there were times I’d have to try a few times, especially at first, until I got the hang of it.
Precious, sweet little beating heart.
Tiffany’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: 10 Years Ago
Beautiful.
Jamie’s last blog post..Camera Shy
Awesome.
I can’t seem to stop smiling after reading that.
Lizz @ Yes, and So is My Heart’s last blog post..Intentional
Aww…That’s wonderful!
Katrina (Callapidder Days)’s last blog post..WFMW: 3 Recipes with 5 Ingredients or Less
Oh…oh…thank you.
Kira’s last blog post..All they heard was “cast the first stone”
So exciting!
Joanne’s last blog post..Summer Is Here
yay!! That’s so wonderful!
I’d of been the crazy lady weaving in and out of traffic while I searched for that beautiful beat the moment I picked the doppler up. yeah – I’m a litte impatient!!
amy’s last blog post..Answers Schmanswers….
The emotion I felt in this post! Brought me to tears, Gretchen. Continuing to pray for you and your baby 🙂
Ann’s last blog post..Bad Words
One of the most beautiful sounds in the world, I’m sure!
Happy Mommy’s last blog post..Sincerely Fro Me To You ~ Swim lessons
And there it was…a singing tomato.
Just kidding. This is great news! How blessed you are to have the doppler for those moments of wonder.
Anonymouse’s last blog post..will-ingness
Nothing else like it in the world.
So glad, Gretchen.
Jenni’s last blog post..Over and Out
beautiful! I will definitely be getting myself one of those, if/when God decides to bless us with another baby. and, my mother-in-law works in maternity at the local hospital, and I have a feeling I’ll be visiting her quite often to get any reassurance I can!
AND THERE IT WAS.
And there I burst into tears. I am so happy for you.
I’m so happy for you!!! Congrats!
*tears*
There is nothing worse than no heartbeat….. and I’m glad there was one for you today… I hope that there will always be one. ((hug!))
ter’s last blog post..The Day We Celebrated Our Nation With A Big Kick
AHHHHHHHHH! Isn’t that the BEST! I remember that moment with Asher. Tears and more tears…
Rach’s last blog post..parenting aint for wimps
That is wonderful!! I rented one with Abram and this time also. They can be such a lifesaver.
Dawn’s last blog post..A Cool Video
The sweetest sound! You brought tears to my eyes. I held my breath in the dr. office last week, it had been too long since I heard it. I also breathed a sigh of relief. And now, I worry about the ultrasound on Monday, unfounded worries only a mother can make seem real.
Praying for Gods peace for you!
Kristin’s last blog post..The Fourth
Congratulations!!! I know how you feel. I never rented a doppler, but man oh man I wanted to!!!
JEANNE’s last blog post..Full Day Kindergarten
I just stumbled upon your blog which I’ve really been enjoying. You really know how to tell a story and keep the reader hanging on for the end. Your Cold Water post gave me chills, glad to know everyone is ok. And Congratulations!
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🙂
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