50 Things To Do In A School Pickup Line

1. Glare

2. Glower

3. Snicker

4. Seethe

5. Clip fingernails

6. Try to win radio contests for tickets to events you’d never spend money to attend

7. Sip hot beverages from insulated mug

8. Chew three pieces of gum and make giant bubbles

9. Take selfies

10. Read magazines

11. Read books

12. Write lists

13. Origami

14. Clean the dashboard

15. Play solitaire on your phone

16. Apply makeup

17. Blast music and sing along

18. Knit

19. Plan menus

20. Write haiku about pickup lines: Turn off your engines/You lovers of idle things/Yes, literally

21. Call your mom

22. Watch YouTube videos depicting the triumph of the human spirit

23. Daydream

24. Take sweet photos of your younger sleeping children

25. At least they get a nap

26. Bird watch

27. Street maintenance watch

28. When it’s raining, take artsy Instagrams of raindrops cascading down your windshield, illuminated by the brake lights of the SUV parked in front of you. Filter the snot out of it, but don’t post because the world isn’t ready for your brilliance.

29. Scrutinize every wrinkle using multiple mirrors

30. Where did that long, wiry hair come from? It wasn’t there yesterday! Do I have tweezers in here somewhere?

31. Play with the seat adjustment controls. Wheeeee. Higher! Lower! Slide back! Slide forward! It’s like a sad, sad amusement park.

32. Reminisce about how you got to school and back home every day. Note your mom only picked you up when there was a blizzard or you had an after school orthodontist appointment.

33. Your gas is low. Think about the various gas stations in the vicinity. Can you make it to ___ gas station on the .28 gallons you estimate you have left or should you just go to the grimy expensive place, put in $3-worth so you can get to the better gas station? Adulthood is hard.

34. Scratch

35. Practice whistling

36. Put on the classical music station and conduct the orchestra

37. Hear sirens in the distance. You blew out that candle, right?

38. Sit stoically.

39. Inspire yourself to yawn by thinking about yawning and wonder why you can’t make yourself lose weight just by thinking about losing…yawn……weight……yaaawwwwnnnnn.

40. Sing old songs from summer camp

41. Is that a mosquito? Smash!

42. Dream up a family Halloween costume theme—let’s say holidays—wondering if you can convince your teenaged son to dress up like Santa or Uncle Sam.

43. Study for the MCATs or LSATs or GREs

44. If that’s not your style, see if you can complete all the fun puzzles from a Denny’s kid’s menu.

45. Write a mystery novel

46. Fill out your mail-in ballot (just one!) and vote

47. Read celebrity baby websites for some reason you can’t grasp, but you do it anyway.

48. Research your genealogy.

49. Watch 400 kids exit a building.

50. “Hi guys! How was your day?”